All The Freaks
You, me, and everybody.
We’re All The Freaks now.
Though perhaps I should only speak for myself. But, really …would anybody like to step forward as the representative of Normal? The archetype of Average? The one who stands at the very Middle of the fulcrum.
So, yeah, we’re all on a spectrum of Freak. Because nobody actually is normal.
It would help, I suspect, if there was a little bit more acknowledgement of that. It’s a blessing, not a curse.
I Don’t Like You
Ode to Jack and Vera.
Do you remember Jack and Vera off Corrie? They were at each other’s throats like rabid dogs. Yet they stuck together like a coral reef. It was a true love story.
One of my favourite lyrics is the song I wrote with them in mind. And to be honest, them and anybody else who has been in a long term relationship and stuck together, somehow, through thick and thin.
In those kind of relationships, love has many different manifestations. And not all of them look very much like love.
We all get by in different ways. I Don’t Like You is a love song for the Jack and Vera’s of the world. They should be a beacon of hope for us all.
The Phone’s Ringing
Again.
I’m hooked on my devices. Not hooked enough to stop me feeling superior to those folk who walk down the street with their eyes locked onto their phone screens. I can hold a conversation without the need to check my phone.
But still, like almost everyone, I’m hooked to a degree. I can feel a little restless sometimes, without some screen or other to provide me with that instant hit of entertainment or distraction.
But a problem recognised is a step towards a solution. And I have learnt to appreciate, if nothing else, going for a walk without the possibility of The Phone’s Ringing, or beeping, or beckoning to contend with.
I’d like to limit it further. It’s helped that my computer is still on the blink. Mainly because it’s made me think about my own addiction to these strange modern machines a little bit more.
The truth is that I know I’m happier and more at peace when I’m reading a book (for instance) than when I’m technologising.
So it’s not rocket science to know the direction I should be heading. Having said that, I do expect I’ll need to return to the subject here in my bloggy self therapy sessions, at some point.
Radium
Um.
Um.
A word we use to fill the empty space while our brain kicks into gear.
RadiUM.
A heavy metal discovered by Pierre Curie, Marie Curie, and G. Bémont in 1898.
They were clever people, no doubt. But I bet even they blurted out a regular, “Um”, on occasion, and not just when they were naming their scientific babies.
Because empty spaces are a vital part of life and nothing to be scared of. It’s where all the potentially exciting stuff starts to ferment.
Fix Me Up
Before it all ends!
“Fix me up” said someone to me this morning.
“I’ll try“ said I.
In the meantime several of my things have decided to break. Which is one of the reasons why I am back to dictating this blog on my phone.
Like before, it feels awkward.
That is why it’s now time to say goodbye.
For the moment.
Discover Fee Reading The Writing On The Wall (actually don’t. I can’t seem to add links on my phone … it’s possible the final apocalypse is starting today … good luck everybody!)
What We’re Here For
Am I bovvered?
What We’re Here For? It really doesn’t matter.
We could spend a whole lifetime chasing the moon and the stars … or travelling along possible pathways to the gods or GOD … or climbing the mountain of status in the general direction of the peaks of fame and riches … or building walls that “protect” us from all the pain and suffering
…. to find that the conclusive answer to the journey towards “Meaning” and “Success” and “Contentment” and “Safety” is … ?????
Well, one thing is for sure … all that striving, and thinking, and searching, and exercising, and praying, and meditating and hoping …
THAT definitely wasn’t it.
Never the less IT all happened. But still … what we’re here for … remained elusive.
In the meantime a little blue tit is flitting around, pecking for insects on an apple tree in the back garden, as the sun peaks from behind a cloud on one of those late summer days that can’t decide whether it’s this, that, or the other.
Discover Fee Coming Fourth For The One Hundred and Forty Eighth Time
Cover Me
...just a little bit longer.
It’s great when someone’s got your back. Honestly, it’s one of the most uplifting experiences in life.
In the past I felt alone, even when I wasn’t.
These days I’m far more appreciative and aware of the people that have got me covered. The ones who I know will be there when the going gets tough. Thinking of them brings a tear to my eye. You know how it is.
”Cover Me” isn’t even a request you often need to make with people like that. They do it automatically. And I like to think I would do the same for them.
So thank you to all. I hope you know who you are, and that I appreciate you. And if not, I will certainly try and make you aware when the opportunities arise.
Discover Fee’s Roof Blowing Off In A Storm
Cleaning Out The Shed
Cobwebs and dust ain't heavy.
Letting the light in.
Sometimes it’s just a case of getting out a dust pan and brush, and Cleaning Out The Shed.
Cobwebs and dust build up slowly, but they aren’t as overwhelming as we think. They can disappear quickly, like a morning mist, once we realise and change something. Doesn’t have to be much.
Could be as simple as, for instance, bringing someone else to mind, and doing something to put a smile on their face.
Discover Fee Dusting Away
Life Is Difficult
And other submarines...
A lower back problem has surfaced. Nothing major. Like a little submarine that was there all along, but just popped up the periscope to say “hi” to the world.
Whatever I was expecting tends to not be what happens. It’s always something else. That’s what I’m finding anyway.
Life Is Difficult at the best of times, in the sense that there are always “problems” to be overcome. But it becomes all the more so when we place expectations upon it, don’t you find?
Could go the way of the pessimist, and always expect the worse. Except that even in a pessimistic state, hope, and positive expectation, tends to be lurking in the background. And pessimism just means we get to be miserable, before, during and after!
My philosophical take on all of this, Chris (;-), is to attempt to leave aside the expectations of any kind, positive or negative. Let it all become the surprise that it inevitably will be anyway. Like a tyre puncture followed by a fun gig on a beautiful hill. As may have happened to some of us recently.
So I’m not expecting the back ache to disappear anytime soon. I’m not expecting it to stay. Of course I’ll take steps to see it on its way. To get to the root of the issue. I’m not a masochist.
But nor am I the commander of SS Lower Back Ache.
I’m just the observer, who saw it rise. And may possibly notice it submerge once again at some point. You never know.
Discover Fee Stealing The Opening Line Of A Book For A Song Title
Crossing The Wild Lands
All the time.
We make our own rules out here.
When we’re Crossing The Wild Lands there is never really any firm ground to stand on. There is never really a completely reliable map. There are never really any past experiences or skills that provide the perfect tools to deal with the situation.
So if we walk on the ground with care, as though for the first time. And if we use the map cautiously, keeping our eyes upon the actual terrain. And if we hold any tools we do have flexibly and with a view to adaptation, then we should be alright.
Of course we might try to avoid the “wild lands” altogether. Safer that way perhaps.
Except that we can’t. Every second of our life counts as wild land territory. Every moment completely new. Every experience and sensation different from anything we might have known previously.
It’s either a freedom we can revel in, or one that we can sleep through. Mostly I’ve done a bit of both. But far more of the latter.
My eyes are a little bit wider to the reality now.
I’m making my own rules up out here.
Discover Fee Out There
Sometimes I Cry
Among other experiences.
Like pretty much everybody, I want the good feelings, not the bad feelings.
It’s natural to try and escape from, alleviate, dissipate, positivitize, apply therapy to, drink to forget, take pills for …. the sadness.
But if it’s there, it’s there. Sometimes I Cry.
I don’t wish it away, run away anymore, when it surfaces. Never far from the surface I would say, and hasn’t been for a long while. But it helps (I mean it helps) to acknowledge it, no more or less than any other feeling, sensation, or experience.
It needs to be acknowledged. And somehow that’s enough.
It passes, and something else will surface soon. It always does.
nb. This kind of “solution” can look depressing, to anyone who suffers from depression. No answer at all. “I don’t want this pain”. But don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. And keep on trying it. I think you’ll be happier, if you do.
Discover Fee Sometimes
Tartan And Lace
Life Preferences
Broad, brave strokes. Intricate and delicate patterns.
Tartan and Lace.
I have my preferences. You have yours. And our preferences are the mixing pot of life. They lead us to making love and waging war. And everything in between.
Words can’t do this justice. They always dilute the experience. But we are who we are. And accepting that of ourselves and in others, might just lead to more love and less war.
Discover Fee Embracing His Past And Present
You Hurt So Good
It's a mountain to climb.
For some of us pain can be, or has been, a badge of honour.
You Hurt So Good.
Pain doesn’t haven’t any inherent value though. It’s simply a part of life. It impacts us more when we either try to ignore and dismiss it completely, or when we focus on it alone and constantly complain about our lot.
Or when we put it on a pedestal, like little martyrs to the cause.
Acknowledging pain as a part of the experience, the truth of life, won’t make it go away. But it will deprive it of the fuel that fans the flames and causes the burn.
”Today, you be kind to yourself”.
Frequent Disapproval
It's only a killer in songs...
I continue turning to the songs in my song book, and this one raised a smile as soon as I saw the title. Haven’t played it for a long while, but it’s got legs, just because it’s ironically funny, and it resonates with people I think.
We’ve all experienced that sense of never being able to please somebody. A boss, a parent, a spouse, a son or daughter, a colleague, a teacher. The usual suspects.
And we may well also have been that person who was never easily pleased. By a boss, a parent, a spouse, a son or daughter, a colleague, a teacher. The usual suspects.
It’s not a good feeling to experience Frequent Disapproval from anyone. And it’s not a good look (or a good feeling) to be the frequently disapproving one.
But despite the tongue in cheek drama of the song, being disapproved of ain’t gonna kill us. Unless we give it the power to control our minds. People can think and say what they like about us. We can give them (in our heads) permission to do that, and let our thoughts about their thoughts about us vanish, as they do if let them.
And we can grant the same courtesy to our thoughts about the people we find ourselves disapproving of. They too are only human.
Discover Fee Killing ‘Em Softly
All I Want To Do
Everything?
All I Want To Do is ….
Fill in the blank. If you can. I can’t. All? The only thing? How on earth, of everything possible for a human being on earth, can I narrow things down to just the one thing. Maybe it would be better to edit this song title slightly.
“I Want To Do It All”.
That’s better. I can live with th….
"Can’t be done eejut! Just gonna have to edit your expectations a tad”
Who said that? Damn. But sadly I suspect you are speaking the truth, Mr Stating-The-Obvious-Voice-In-My-Head.
As usual, I’ll just have to start with This.
Discover Who Fee Want’s To Dance With
Angels For Today
Looking out towards a New Found Land.
Kintyre is on mainland Britain and sits at the edge of the Atlantic. From the west coast of the peninsula I can, and often have, sat and looked across between the northern coastline of Ireland to the left and the island of Islay to the right, over the sea in the direction of Newfoundland two thousand miles away. Lucky, lucky me.
I wrote Angels For Today a number of years ago while doing just that.
Something about space and time, westerly breezes, the smell and sounds of the sea, evoke a sense of freedom, of hope and of possibility. Grand themes. But that’s what the song is about.
I haven’t sung it for a long while. The arrangement in the recording is big, and it feels like it should be. Hard to match that with little me and an acoustic guitar. Even if I can blast ‘em out.
But really, though the song and the themes are Big, it can just as easily apply to the simpler setting of our everyday life. There is freedom, and hope and possibility, here, right now, sitting at my laptop. Don’t even need the spectacular scenery.
We can all, anywhere and at anytime, transform ourselves into angels for today. Consciousness is an ocean that we can swim in, and not just gaze upon.
Discover Fee Sitting By The Ocean
Be Still (My Beating Heart)
Sweet talk.
The blood starts pumping, the heart starts thumping.
It’s a sign of something.
Love? Stress? Excitement? Nerves? Anxiety? A Sprint or Marathon being run.
Sometimes it’s inevitable and helpful for our circulatory system to be working hard. Sometimes it’s even enjoyable or fun.
But sometimes it’s a sign that our thinking is going awry. For instance:
”I’m gonna die a death!”
- alternative explanations: I’m going to sing a song in front of some people who may or may not like it, or, I’ve got a headache, and I’m not sure what’s causing it yet.
“Why is that person frowning at me? Do they hate me?”
- alternative explanations: said person has a bad toothache, or, they just find smiling a little bit tough (nb. smile at them anyway).
Our brains are doing this kind of thing all the time. And our hearts respond by pumping that blood and thumping our chests. A very primal instinct.
However … I’m slowly discovering that my head and my heart can learn to work together. In many situations my heart just needs a little bit of sweet talk -
”Be Still (My Beating Heart). Everything’s fine”
And when I say something like that, my heart seems to appreciate the love. It quietens down, and I relax a little bit.
Discover Fee’s Romantic Teenage Beating Heart
Devotion
To the sky, to the ocean
“To the sky, to the ocean
You and I, our devotion, devotion, devotion
Devotion”
My devotions have changed over the years. How fickle!
As a baby I was, apparently, devoted to Marmite on Toast. (That has been a constant, to be honest).
As a young child I was devoted to my Golliwogs. Both of them. Equally.
Later, came the Bird Watching, the Fishing, and Notts County.
In my late teens and early twenties I was devoted to Jesus and Ineke (one of these remains true to this day).
And my Jesus devotion evolved into discovering “The Meaning Of Life” and “Truth” …
… Which, to a certain extent turned out to be Songwriting.
Many of these passions still play a big part in my life.
But these days my true devotion is the art of experiencing “This”. Because This, the big “Now” in my conscious mind, is really the only thing that will always be by my side, while I have breath to breathe. All the rest come and go.
Like all my previous devotions, I am not always faithful and steadfast. But my Devoted is always faithful and steadfast to me.
Discover Fee Devoting
Table Mountain
Silky threads, and misty inspiration.
My Dad’s sister recently phoned. After he died she became the last thread from that side of the family, and is appreciating contact with us as we are with her. Especially because she lives in Cape Town, South Africa.
The song I wrote, called Table Mountain, has nothing directly to do with that connection though. I drew the title out of a hat. As you do. Song title lottery. At the time I felt like I’d drawn the short straw (apparently the title was inspired by the name on a bottle of wine).
But in the song game, as in life, you work with what you’re given … whatever the Muse (or Rob Harris… thanks Rob!) throws your direction. And I’m happy with the the results of the inspiration that fell over me, like a soft table mountain mist, on that occasion.
The silk threads that connect our lives together are various and complex, and they spread out in many weird and wonderful directions. Sometimes we forget about them altogether. Until we get a little nudge … a memory, a phone call, a prompt, a word … directly to the heart, reminding us of how close everything and everyone actually is. Just a little tug away. These don’t have to be particularly significant or mind blowing threads.
They just are.
The web of life. It’s hard to understand, but it is often quite beautiful.